Monday, October 31, 2005

Leavetakings

albiet it is a bit late for this,
but i don't know how else to stay.

in my self indulgent hole that i lit,
i fell down and in my falling moments
the eyes alight with some sort of hope
thoughts of escaping
never seemed to grow.

tell me just once more to go,
and i will drive out back and dissolve.

Good morning, sunshine
i broke my hair when i fell,
its a cold white day, and i am inanimate,
waking up before you come,
to take off. like a torch in the night.

the drizzle of rain helps,
and i melt away in the shadows
of a grey fog irridescent light.

is this just like you imagined,
or was it something more preverse?

you.... come and dance the night away
and the thoughts, memories, desires,
wash away all the pain,
in these eyes, the strain is fading,
just looking at you, moving so gracefully.

in the desperate moments of stuggling,
stumbling as we regain our feet,
understand, that i won't let you go,
that i will always be here in all those moments
of urgency. you and me, we can change
and be so much more than we think.

you know, nothing can change this,
deep down, smile, and dance away with me

the bastard....
he refused to budge,
and the 'rights' are hid for cash,
listen, the mouth moves like a fool.

so, to carry on, don't let the silence....
drift on, for far too long we have sat,
stared and lingered everywhere.

end the reign of a man,
who always wanted to be the child king,
please, let the noise come in from the deep.

take care of yourself, and those here,
and down the block,
you might just find the forest
isn't so foreign after all,
achieve what couldn't be done before,
and let the past find its sleep.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

The Edges

along the edge of the sun
i slide down and out, up and into being -
detox my mind in the sea,
and i sink away
slithering down into the currents
where the sun cannot touch me.

i stood for a moment, and then i lost myself,
coming alive in the shock of losing breath
falling into the leaves that crumble
the dust holds me so close
heavy eyes drift away, looking for snow.

the pauses for air, and dark blue,
but grey comes no matter what.

emptiness won't need a refill,
the bottom of the riot is here,
and the stomach aches,
while my head implodes
the girl ran away,
and my mind went with her.

but who could care,
for the time is here, now,
and the drugs in the water
taste so good.

understanding nothing alone

my eyes, closed to this
the dark night, candlelight
withdraw from the world,
and nothing will notice.
the stars, the ground,
for a lifetime, they burned.
all i could do was cry.
stay in the storm when it comes,
and be washed away for years to blossom.
behind these memories might be happiness
or some other sort of life.
would you care to join me,
and go away from everything,
just you and i, together.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

my sunshine comes streaming through the mirror
and i find the tears are comforting
the entries here will be deleted one day,
skies are blue but only seem to be grey,
the clock is stuck on the calender of days
once i leave i can stay forever,
i want to be forever numb
but can't help be sometimes clever
coming across as dumb.

Nice Nights

saints come and carry my body away
and all that is left is this mind
a floating speck of black ash
that wants to be washed away in clean rain.

consume me, consume me
and be my star.
starlight, starbright
be my star tonight
and let me enter into you.

where do you go when the nights end,
me and my star need to get away,
be valiant and maybe we can end together.

To: ***

with your guilt baiting me into this game,
no i won't play, and the rules will be broken,
face to face, i can smell your lies.

how do you like the games played up against you?
and the storm will come from this,
but thats the only place i find my tranquility.

now inside my veins i can feel the blood seething
waiting for a slight pause, a stop
so that i can escape from you
and get one with being who i am,
away like you want me to be.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Cliche

Come with me,
lets go off and be cliches in the moonlight
dancing on the horizon
tiptoe with me along the lake,
and the waves will uncurl for us.

the questions and imminent sighs can wait
and the sun will tell us to go to bed
so we will roam the streets
and look for the place to settle for the day

maybe with the starts out there
dreams can be a real being
for the night's breath
and everlong gaze
what do you think of this,
and would you miss it?

i was an angel way back when,
before i came to my senses
i realized that i could not fly,
and Jesus said to me:
"do what you want to"
so i left and fell and danced.

and like dear Jesus -
i don't know what you want me to be,
out in the gutter, and the torn mattress
i am breathing in the fumes
to keep my body decaying,
and the grateful part is,
i have always been dying.

i started my imagination
and it took me on a walk alongside the ocean
lonliness came and took us away
and for the span of a day
i cried someone else's tears
before i returned
to become my own martyr

Monday, October 24, 2005

the wild flowers and the blossoming lake,
strain for a new day
in a while, they come to their senses
and the avenue is dark in the crystal moonlight,
hanging low on the horizon
forcing the denizens of the causeway to flee,
and the weeds dry, the leaves blow away
and standing against the backdrop
you can be seen.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Weaves

and for the few steps,
pleasure mixes with pain
and the world breathes for days yet
a happiness in death, lighter than a mountain top
for the eyes that linger
and the tears that never fall,
stained cheeks and lost contacts
the days go on and on and on and
in the pearly white mornings
the sun rises with hands in the air,
the clouds fooled, dragging themselves out of bed,
spreading out as blankets
the raining, and the growing, and the blue hues
leave the earth feeling new
but for some oddity,
the moon leaves a whisper and a hush
and plants the soil with remnants of what was,
what could be and maybes, what ifs,
that should never be,
and so close to being,
then vanishing.

Tend

i want to be that flower in your bed,
growing for the sky
tended by your care
but just another distraction.

the possible heart here lacks some hope,
breathe into me and give me life
and then we can go from there.

i watched myself fall
as the angels lept and played about
laughing in the clouds
playing their own reality shows
my knees were weak,
and your heart made me crumble
blowing away in the wind
as dust in a storm.

as a flower i would die,
wither with age and dry up
press me in a book
for safekeeping, and memories.

the heart is dead or dying
but maybe it will be eternal
keep it close for an eon.

i give all my numbness
to bring back the heights
flying where i feared to tread
with some not meant for me
and bless your thoughts and heart
throughtout the earth
i trembled and shook
for your love.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

the Good Fight

darling....
can you sing to me
of some sort of greatness through all the ages...

"the pieces on this board,
move from thier resting places
and they point thier fingers
to lay the blame"
is what i heard in my head,
as you spoke and said
"no,no, i am a horrible singer"

my dear, if only you believed
in yourself, and me,
then maybe, we
could be so much more than what we see now

come silence me, with your truth
and our bodies will seep together
winnowing out our shadows, to find the pieces
and we may just fit, with all the fingers
locked together now.

darling.....
come and take this...
oh do not say "what if"
or ponder the deeper meaning,
do not fret and fuss
wide eyed, ask for a kiss

and i ask of you,
"what more do we need, than one another"
to recieve in return
"happiness"

and darling....
i thought thats what we were fighting for all along.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Meditation From a Under a Tree

blinking away the dust in the air,
keep the sun still in sight
the negatives turned out alright,
and under the tree,
losing your hold on trust,
begin the drowning effect.

pale skin and dirty nails,
scarred flesh from lingering wounds
fester under the branches
and watch the squirrels run away
to almost take on the traffic,
what will come of this next
as the halos drop from the horizon.

as the rust builds
and the failures pile up,
see the sun set, the moon new
water in your lungs,
and coughing for an age,
blame the ones you cannot see,
and for a time, take your turn.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Dancing with the Devil

crawling back into the shadows
the forest hides the eyes, face down,
don't tread the mud, sinking deeper,
the fall will come soon enough,
resurrection of the spirit,
rehearse your roles, and play the game again,
set the piece again

for the blackening sky
and the decayed moon, the stars are dancing,
silent victors in the rage, madness
that brought the ending to a close.

levitate and achieve the transmigration
of the soul, sinking deeper into the pool,
become a pawn once more, good or evil,
black and white pieces to be moved,
set your piece, see how it plays out.

the tornado, the room, the black sky
come to settle on the lakefront,
and right before the mouths are sewn shut,
eyes are pried wide open, think Clockwork,
and wash your soul before they grab you,
the wounds will still sting for moments.

crawling away, and the forest holds the devil,
down in his cave.
trust him, or let the others grab you,
choose the road to take, meditate
for the weak, pawn of chess, head down still.

bolted to the ground, uprooted now
and the devil dances to me,
a road of free will, black nights,
and diffident suns.
never wrong left behind for a world of choice.

i miss the way that you used to look at me
and all those time spent on the sheets
looking to the ceiling
looking in the mirror now
have i chanced that much so soon...

in these bloodshot eyes
what was it that you saw
except a yearning soul
that failed miserably

for a moment happiness was king
but the Queen came along
with an axe and killed us all.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

so when is our last dance
the day is drawing to a close
and i find the eyes are getting heavy
forget the movement of grace

in the moment i will be on you
and in the ground we lay
a precarious scratching at the ceiling
comparisons will be drawn still
and in the end, we end.

Dreaming or Not

dreaming last night took some time
and away in the night i wept
awake still with the thunderstorms
reigning over my head for hours
what more could i do, but to turn away.

in the cold bitterness of my cough
i look to the bare walls
and i see no reflections in mirrors
my eyes are shattered as is my being,
alive, yet, i pace the ceiling
i need to just crawl away.

i am picking at the scabs
and i feel the shadow leaping
an echo in the hall, steps on the stairs
and what reality is this.

the stars taunt, calling out to me,
asking for the delicate wishes
but they hold no truth.
am i dreaming, or is this what i see.

the sheets still feel damp,
but i'm not going, no not at all,
too weak to slide away
and my glasses are out of reach,
dizzy and lost in the fever.

picking myself apart, and dissolving
in the rain,
making love to my death
i hear the silence stretch on
and with the application of this rag
a cool cloth, i dissolve into a dreamless face.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Walk

you asked me what time it was,
and before we knew it the block was ending,
the walk we took just started
its one in the morning, and we couldn't care less
in the fall chill, take my shirt
and be warm with me in this night.

lets forget about the past,
and no don't talk right now.
hold my hand and lets find the lake
look out to the stars,
and just kiss in the moonlight.

in our bodies we can only meet,
and let the transcednence of our souls connect
for a moment in the wave's melody
a perfection of presense
as we lock eyes, time doesn't pass.

this is our story to tell,
in the skyline, right where it meets the ground,
maybe when we are old
or when we have gone
walk with me some more now.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Storms and stars

thunderstoms rage behind my eyes
lightning dances with them closed
and the rain seeps out still, down my face
but what was before this moment,
a parting glance in your direction,
and no goodbyes to break the glass wall.

the night is old, and the moon weary
stars linger, yet tired of my ranting
my own mistakes belong to me,
why should they care, my confidants
the window that seperates us,
defeats our joined meaning.

for the numbness i feel,
an icepack would be fitting,
and still, a hot pad for the blood im spilling
too scared to think
too weak to move
i just want to be held for once.

i dont know if you notice me even,
and the stars pay no mind,
i am just happen to talk to them,
glance your way,
and be something with dreams and wishes.

i will walk away, and welcome myself in dreams
dreams that never come
so in the lost forest of my eyes
behind these walls, and behind this facade
i will linger alone still
meditating on this thunderstorm and stars both.

Monday, October 10, 2005

the dried tears hold no comfort
as the stars linger
alcohol begins to lose its effect
and reality is no blanket of warmth
although the mud is cool,
the dried dirt caked
maybe some refuge can be dug around.

perhaps the peculiarities of the soul shattered
and in the starlight, the pieces twinkle,
before sinking into the ground.
the rains come, and creating quicksand
forget this life, to create something new.

the glasses held high, the liquor flowed
and into my heart everything was empty
leveling my gaze into the mirror,
only to see my shadow scamper off in the wind,
where have i been, these days

in the past i found the answers within
and now knowing the nooks of this mind,
the emptiness of the soul
still nothing is found
so the ground gives some comfort
perhaps it just the most comfortable place
and maybe sinking deeper i will find an ending

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Longing for Her

it may be dark and deep in night,
but the glittering stars
make me think of you,
your wishes, and how i wish for you.

i knock on your door, and wait
seeing your smile brings me back
and i just want to kiss you over and over
even if we are just walking along
can we both disapear?

i see the stars twinkling
and i push myself to them
asking only for your touch
and your lips
for a moment to look into your eyes.

in the morning's hazy light
i lay and think of you,
tragic as things may be
i still want you next to me
i might just kiss your lips,
with a bit of chocolate
to make the deal even sweeter.

and the mirror's reflection,
brings us closer, as i wrap my arms around you,
i smile - looking in your eyes
and we melt into one, in our world together.

Friday, October 07, 2005

i lingered in the shower again
sitting on the smooth white porcilin,
wanting to just melt away
shattering into a billion atoms
dissolving along with the small currents.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Can you feel it? i am failing right now
weak and weary from your trials,
i will end it right now.

in the classroom i taught,
i thought that i was there to help you,
but what have i done to harm you?

is it possible that i am the worst,
inside i find that i have nothing left,
creating a momentary lapse of reality,
before, before....
i begin my ending.

quickly now, run, run and go away,
because you fear me.
realize that i am not an imagination
and i wont end up living a lie
i will not be your everything,
just a thorn in the palm of your hand.

what more can i gain, but to heal you,
which you won't even allow,
so in our closest moments you go away
and i am left hollowed.

i will hold back my thoughts,
realizing that i am alone
and no one really could care
i will end up this way for eternity anyway.
what do you have to say?

one time i thought upon hope,
i wished upon the fragrant stars
but i only found them vanishing with the sun
a tease.

i will search for truth, meaning and nothing more
love seems to be lost.

there won't be a one more time,
because i have been killed already.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Looking out my WIndow

i stand still in a pose, for the morning light
in my eye i see a glimmer flicker,
clouds come rolling over
and the rain begins to pour,
in the rhythmic sounds echoing
something sweet whispers in my ear,
and i dont care to think anymore.

and the day came and i found the people staring
with the reflection and dirt
kneeling on the floor,
in my own blackness
i look for the sun to come again.

and when i wake the next day, it is in my eye
watching so intently, and hoping for salvation
my purple heart is alone
and aching for warm before the first frost.
i held my gaze
and i didn't dare blink,
no i wont smile.

i won't steal my breath, and i wont hold on anymore
gut myself, pour myself into a bowl
see how i swim, see how i sink
and i refine my ending.

spread out the butter on the bread,
and eat, they'll say, but i only care about the blue
sky, lingering in the back of my eyes.

i never wanted to happen,
and its not something i can live through,
i am not so sweet, but i hunger for love,
to belong with the clounds and stars,
if only i didnt frighten them too.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

A Forest

Over and down this path of stones,
i walk in my forest,
watching the twigs shatter and break,
the cold is breathing down on me,
and i am looking to be whole.

i find the fall leaves flying by
look to find the cave
if i hibernate this winter
would any notice? i need warm comfort
but the cold is reigning.

here i go again, and what do i have
but scars on my hands
and here i am alone
my heart was left on the road
was it you who stole it?

i find myself drinking again
as i pace the drying ground
peeking into the letters on the bark
wishing for the tree's calm age

wait for what now,
the animals have all fled,
and i am left here alone,
the sun as left too,
and in the dark i wonder
wandering, looking for a hand to hold.

the buddha statuette glows in the predawn light
reconciling my dreams and desires
pain is my illusion
alive, i
try to move once again.

forfeit sleep hungers in my bones,
nimble fingers reach for the snooze
and a small itch on my foot grows
these eyes don't want to open.

and thoughts of you make me smile,
make this body want to sleep
cause this mind to long for dreams
of you alone.

but you're not here, but will you ever be?
does this desire mean more?
i wish buddha would speak up
because i can't read minds.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

swinging in the wind,
sometimes i wish breathing were easier.

the cracks in the ground, match my veins
looking for my blueprint in nature,
can you help me find the moon again?

the stars are scattered, and calling,
asking for my secrets, and i pour them out,
but would you listen as intently?

i want to get away, and i'd rather it was with you.

constrained in thoughts that won't pass,
i don't want to break in the rain,
melt as the dirt on your shoes.

can i unwrite my life to start once again?

i want to end, but will you hold my hand?

i ask too many questions, and i never find the answers,
come away with me, and i will make you smile,
and i will kiss you again and again.

living life with no meaning,
but happy to be in each other's hand.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

and i kept my feet under me,
swaying in the simplest breeze,
i saw the division today,
did the math that didn't add up,
subtracted you and lost a part of myself.

in the hollow recesses of drunkenness
i can't stop thinking about you,
and what you have done to me
here i want to push away,
and run to you.

in the moment before i collapse
i think of you, and if we have meaning
or are we just playing games?

sitting here now, slightly sobered up,
i want another drink,
to make me forget again,
how the fool i was,
and i will not enter your life again.

weak right now, hoping for salvation,
crying tears that won't come
i just need to feel complete
as i let myself be swept up in the wind.